NASA’s morbid Mars mission manual: Astronaut corpse preservation protocols unveiled!
At a Glance
- NASA has detailed protocols for handling astronaut deaths during Mars missions
- Body preservation in specialized chambers or body bags is planned for Mars missions
- Cremation and burial in space are not feasible due to energy consumption and biohazard risks
- ‘Death simulations’ are conducted to prepare astronauts for potential fatalities
- Ethical implications and public reactions to these protocols are mixed
NASA’s Morbid Mars Mission Manual
Well, folks, it looks like our space-faring friends at NASA have outdone themselves this time. Instead of focusing on trivial matters like, oh I don’t know, securing our borders or fixing our crumbling infrastructure, they’ve decided to tackle the pressing issue of what to do with dead astronauts on Mars. Because apparently, that’s where our tax dollars need to go these days.
In a move that would make even the most morbid mortician blush, NASA has released a technical brief outlining their protocols for handling astronaut deaths during future Mars missions. Because nothing says “progress” like planning for failure before you’ve even launched, right?
Corpse Preservation: The New Space Race
Now, let’s dive into the nitty-gritty of this cosmic conundrum. According to NASA’s brilliant minds, if an astronaut kicks the bucket on Mars, we can’t just ship them back to Earth for a proper burial. No, that would be too simple and respectful. Instead, they’ve concocted a plan to preserve the bodies in specialized chambers or body bags. Because nothing says “honoring our heroes” like turning them into space jerky, right?
“NASA has detailed protocols for handling astronaut deaths in space, including returning bodies to Earth from the Moon but preserving them on Mars.” – Emmanuel Urquieta
But wait, it gets better! They’ve ruled out cremation because it’s too energy-intensive. Heaven forbid we use a little extra solar power to give our fallen astronauts a dignified send-off. And burial? Forget about it! That’s a biohazard risk. Apparently, NASA is more worried about contaminating the barren Martian landscape than respecting the dead. Talk about misplaced priorities!
‘Death Simulations’: Because Space Isn’t Scary Enough
As if the thought of dying millions of miles from home wasn’t terrifying enough, NASA has decided to up the ante with “death simulations.” That’s right, folks. Our brave astronauts now get to practice dying in space. Because nothing says “boost morale” like rehearsing your own demise, right?
“death simulations” – Chris Hadfield, Paul Root Wolpe
I can just imagine the HR meeting where this brilliant idea was pitched. “Hey, you know what would really prepare our astronauts for the challenges of space? Let’s make them pretend to die!” Genius. Absolutely genius. I’m sure that won’t have any negative psychological impacts whatsoever.
The Ethics of Space Corpses: A New Frontier
Now, let’s talk about the ethical implications of all this morbid planning. NASA is apparently torn between preserving bodies on Mars and jettisoning them into space. Because nothing says “respect for the dead” like turning a fallen hero into space debris, right? I’m sure that won’t violate any international agreements or anything.
“NASA has published a technical brief outlining the procedures that would need to be followed if an astronaut dies in space, especially with plans to send humans to Mars in the 2030s.” – NASA
And let’s not forget the public reactions to these protocols. Some people are concerned about space debris, while others are worried about the ethical considerations. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here wondering why we’re even entertaining this nonsense when we have plenty of problems right here on Earth that need solving.
The Final Frontier of Absurdity
In conclusion, folks, it seems NASA has boldly gone where no one in their right mind would go: planning elaborate death rituals for missions that haven’t even happened yet. While they’re busy figuring out how to turn astronauts into Martian mummies, maybe we should be asking ourselves why we’re spending billions on these pipe dreams when our own planet is in crisis.
But hey, what do I know? I’m just a taxpayer watching my hard-earned dollars float off into space, along with NASA’s common sense. Maybe instead of worrying about how to handle dead astronauts, we should focus on keeping them alive in the first place. Just a thought, NASA. Just a thought.
